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    Friday, 28 September 2018

    Am now Gory Temple Pastor’s second wife – 19yr-old


    Hoth always instructs his audience to move with the times. Even my Mufundisi munofanirwa kufambirana nenguva mhani! Musasara kumashure.
    If you didn't know, then get it from Hoth right now. Hoth wants to tell you Rev S, the CEO of Gory Temple that you are now officially in a polygamous marriage. Musaseka hazvisetsi ka! 
    Machuma has taken over! Kkkk so much about taking over, overtaking, fastest moving blah, blah, blah! Varozvi vakapera nenda! So this girl has confirmed, the $13 500 paid by Hlangi, the Gory Temple Chief to Jerifanos her father was not for sexual damages. No it's actually a notice of intent to marry; to marry a second and younger wife Pwaaa! Just a notice kwaa! What more the full bridal price? Pakaipa! 
    Anyway since when did anybody pay sexual damages of $13 000? Kana iko kuMasvingo kwacho? aaa kuti pakauraiwa munhu here? Ivo baba vaya nechiuno chavo chiya vangaita $13 000 worth of damages kkkkk Chati bwege!
    Machuma, oh ok by the way Peshenzi is of the chuma totem and has declared vehemently that she is now CEO number 2 at Gory Temple. Hlangi has married and make no mistake about it. Rev S heyo competition nekanhanha!
    By the way Rev S is Hlangi's wife.
    And ariko maboora ngoma ekuchechi anongovukura, achingovukura, hee Hoth unoreva nhema, hee Hoth unopenga. Tick tock tick tock muchasara pamhene! 
    I am now Hlangi's second official wife. What's wrong with polygamy? My father Jerifanos has five official wives, two in Jack City, one Rhodhene, one Victoria Range and my mother in Mucheke D. For god's sake am just a second wife. Ushers at Gory Temple Church, be warned don't eye my husband! Kkkkk kamani mhani Machuma.
    How are you George my brother? Kuri sei kwaChiwara. Baba vangu Gudo!
    So there you are all at Gory Temple, prepare for a new bride, prepare for new CEO, prepare for Machuma. Asi Peshenzi ka!
    Next week Hoth will give you V11 forms kuti nharo dzenyu dzipere!
    Married Chiredzi cop goes with Farmacist 
    Quite a while since we shared notes from this sugar growing town; maMekezve umu.
    It was you know, election this, World Cup that, fulcrum that, pith that and V11 this. Chasura!
    Chiredzi yapisa wena and one is bound to think that business in the oldest profession is low. But No, this business is always bustling! By the way Hoth is told that there are two forms of this business; the public and private sector prostitutes kkkkkk. Someone doing a doctorate in Sexology shared a piece of his thesis with Hoth.
    Oh yes the man is a sexologist. Kkkk makadiiko mombe, Madyira; Mafirakureva! Hoth anokubhigai mudhara Chitova!
    So this sexologist says public sector prostitutes are those who get into beerhalls and baptise as many men as possible. Private sector prostitutes are those who snatch as many married men as possible; marova-rova so to speak; but they do business from the comfort of their homes. Ava havatsiki gumbo ravo mubhawa asi vanohura zvokuti pfeee.---eee! 
    They are pfeererists kwaaa!
    The sexologist declares in the same vein that a small house that sticks to one man is not a prostitute. Vanonzi Mai Vadoko! Tichamboenda kwaMai Vadoko. Zvakanakai, tomuonai madzoka, Kwaa!
    In Chiredzi there is one rova-rova that has wrecked havoc! It's dangerous for any community to have a degreed prostitute and there are many of these, these days. Zvokwadi, hure rakafunda rinonetsa. She manipulates the boyfriends, twists wives, and feign honest. 
    This degreed semi-sex worker reveals to the boyfriend every man who approaches her, kunyepera kuva honest. The boyfriend gets into this false comfort zone then this prostitute (garinya) turns around and have a relationship with the same man she was complaining about.
    The man will never catch up with this unless he has a sixth sense!
    Ndiro rinonzi tova-rova. Rova-rova rakangwarangwara kunge munhu ari kuchera nyoka.
    This Chiredzi rova-rova sells herbs, modern herbs yes! She has a degree in modern herbs. Kkkk, I mean the real stuff that you buy over the counter. She does not go into the bush with a hoe to dig  herbs, oh no! We are dealing with a person who knows Chemistry kkkk including man's chemistry. Chitopota chema atoms, nucleus, protons and even spermatology. 
    Sperm count blah, blah, blah!
    She is of the Mhofu totem ehe Chihera.
    She has caused havoc in Chiredzi. One Police sergeant has since deserted his family. Wakawarura, leaving his wife and two children in the Police Camp. As we speak he is commuting for Police duties from Chachacha.
    The cop was snatched by this rova-rova who drives around in a blue lorry. Not exactly lorry, but zvimazhing'asi zviya. Oh yes this rova-rova sells her little drugs from near Zava right here in Chiredzi.
    Indeed that's the woman. She has done Chemistry to the end but kutora varume vevanhu ruvava. She runs another little medicine shop at Chachacha and that's where she has established her love nest with this cop. Ehezve kamungonjo akazve kanonzi Sajeni Thabawo
    Now Thabawo is never seen in the camp. Those at Chiredzi Police camp say that Thabawo's 3-year-old cannot even remember his father's face even when they meet. Hanzi kanototi Sekuru.
    Asi vakomanaka musatamba muchidaro!
    And you think Hoth is lying? Kupika naJameson kudai. Zvokwadi kupika naNhamo mwana waMuungani, Thabawo has not set his foot at the camp for months now.
    The two-year-old boy got burnt recently but Seji just came vakadongorera vari padoor and went away. Asi Seji musadaro imi kusiya mhuri nenyaya yepfambi here?
    But now the dangerous one that Hoth is hearing is that Seji muri kupota muchipiwa drugs to keep you at work throughout the night. Yes you are swallowing the mvura naya-naya drugs; yes the muka-muka drugs…..Kkkk Chasura! Kkkk sexology!
    Leave those things Seji, munofa. Those things will kill you. Munosevenzeswa kudaro kuti mava bhiza here?
    Pamberi naChihera.
    Kkkkk!

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