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    Saturday, 28 January 2017

    Council boss catches workmate with daughter in car

    Kkkk uri iwe ungadii? Oh yes what do you do when you find your daughter cuddled in a car in the dark with your workmate?
    Baba angu gudo!
    Kwaaa ! But musaseka hazvisekesi! Oh yes this is no Mickey Mouse business because your office and that of the sex predator are in the same corridor and doors are facing each other.
    Cuddle, oh yes maybe but….
    The clothes were strewn all over. The seats of this blue tinted Jipi were folded and yanga iri hondo, human flesh perspiring.  Ehezve imwi hamuzive here kuti mhombwe nematinted windows hazvisiyani kkkkkkkk! Oh yes next time you see a tinted car know that this is the person who daily breaks commandment number 7.
    Munoriziva here bhaibheri vana kitsi yadonha kkkkkk! Kwaaa Pwaati!
    This is a film that has just been shot in Chivhu mudhara, Enkeldorn to be precise! This is the daughter of a senior officer at the local authority, and the sex pervert is also a senior officer there! Varozvi vakapera nenda. Oh yes, the girl is an undergraduate at this University in the Ancient City, I mean the University of Culture!
    And matters can never be worse, the undergraduate is also doing her internship at the local authority! Hezvoko Chasura! She likes wining from the car, so call her Winy.
    Asi chii nhai Ma…., mobva monzi Nyama Ndii mumota here vasikana? Nhaka zvangu!
    And this Cassanova who is predatory on interns is a well known person of hit and run exploits! Ehezve irizve gobvu rakasviba kunge hore yeCyclone Elline. Giant and black, pitch black in complexion. Like coal! He comes from Marendelas. Yes that's the man!
    Oh yes, unokanika kanika zve uyu, ehezve, engine, engine, yes it's true! I hear somebody say engineering, yes, but it's not Hoth who said that! Somebody is also saying technical, oh yes even undergraduates require technical attention!
    And this cassanova is a true whizz kid in this business! In lingo terms they call him mboma, chikwaturo, svimbo yaMoses! Kkkkk rakadiko bhaibheri nhai Mozi? Ko iri sei hayo iyo svimbo inopatsanura makungwa! Oh yes gungwa! Don't get Hoth wrong! Precisely oceans, nothing else.
    He is Mozisi of the stick that seperate the oceans apart.
    Yes it's true the parents tried to give this pervert a biblical name but that could not tame the demon in him!
    Mungarigona imi dhimoni, shavi remadzimai kana rasutsa? Pwaati! Yes this man has a ravaging sex demon that has plundered Enkeldoorn! Mumwe mukadzi upi waasingazivi!
    By the way he is co-habitating with a former intern at council; the daughter of this famous woman; iii Mwari ngavamuitire Nyasha! The mother-in-law works in the education office. Varozvi vakapera nenda!
    Makadiiko Nyamasvisvi? By the way he is of the nyamasvisvi totem. Call him Chikwaturo!
    And the father of the undergraduate; oh yes baba vegraduate redu muridzi wemari mukanzuru! He is a money man, purse, finance chief, exchequer.  (By the way he is rich, he drives around in different state of the art cars; ndopakati kusevenzera council ka apa). Yes the man knows the ledger books, cash books but on this day he had to battle with the rate of depreciation of his daughter!
     At that rate Winey's book value is zero! Yes it's true. No horse can run a race that way and live to run again. Winey fell to zero book value, Wegona Chitova.
    Call the father of Winey, Nyama Ndii because akaita kuzvibatira ega. Makadiiko Gushungo?
    So Nyama Ndii was driving one evening behind the main hospital. There is only one.
    He sees this car parked in a dark corner saka saChef vepakanzuro kwahi regai ndinoonavo zve! Oh yes as a council chef; he must know everything that happens in his small town. Kuda zvinhu!
    It dawns on him that it's Chikwaturo's car just as he gets to the window! Wanike igumi rakadya vaviri!
    Curiosity killed the cat so says the whiteman. He peeps in so he has stories to charm people back at work; by the way he is not in good books with Chikwaturo!
    His eye meets her daughter's red hot eyes. Mwana kunge anga achidya mhiripiri mbishi! Winy is on a red-hot braai stand. She is roasted!
    Asi Chikwaturoka? Mwana waChef here vakomana?
    Impeccable sources say Nyama Ndii dropped on his back! The Jipi disappeared into the dark night!
    Haiwa Hoth anoti makorokoto egore dzva pakanzuro apo. Prosperous 2017 to you all at Enkeldoorn Council. Kwaaa!

    Woman tailor causes havoc at Brigade 4
    Marriages are falling apart at the big camp! Day-in-day-out couples are fighting, screaming at each other or even going their separate ways.
    There is this worm that is right inside the apple. It's doing the Hurricane Hugo at Brigade 4. There is this woman who looks like an amoeba. Kkkkk Biology munodziziva here idzi vanaMapimples imi makaita madegree engano!
    In ghetto lingo the woman is shapeless! She is bulge at the chest and thin like a needle downwards! Asi Samatenga munodarirei, kusika munhu ane chimiro chedhadha here? And she has the devil's heart! I mean this woman who became a staff sergeant after passing a tailoring course! Oh it's true she got such a rank for just holding a needle and a thread. Baba angu Gudo!
    Makadiiko sergeant, manjenje, ganda ravasikana? They say she is of the Mbizi totem, others say she is Zambian. She drinks wine so call her Winefield!
    She stays in the staff quarters and has wrecked marriages! Winefield is a habitual gossiper; rumour monger! Last week she sent a whatsapp message to the wife of this Major who works in Harare, this one who works in finance.
    The timing had military precision. It went into the wife's phone just after the hubby arrived home from Harare. "Babie you were good last night, let's have more of this tonight." Wegona Chitova!
    Wati chii chakanakidza munhu? Pakaitwa bata-bata. Furniture broke as the couple fought. The source of the message was checked through Ecocash. Established, true, the gossiper was at it again. It was Winefield's phone! Chasura!
    Major Rufurunesu nearly brought death to his wife.
    And Winefield phoned another Major who works in Harare that his wife was being picked up by a car from home at 2am. I mean this Major wokukara uyu wokuroora muira zhou  iye achiera zhouwo futi. Icho chikadzi chacho chakabatana wena.
    Hanzi Major vanototanga Vauchira; kkkk Vuchirai vakomana.
    The wife is just as perfect in front as she is at the back. Kkkk svakavurungana, svinhodo! Ndivo vana Fadzaizve ivavo!
    Then another Major almost got killed by a CIO after a rumor of adultery from the same Wine field.
    The camp has been turned upside down by Winefield. But usadarowo Winefield.
    By the way no one talks about your boyfriend Langton Pwaati! Mvura iri kunaya here kwaNyamudeza kwaMutare uko?
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    Item Reviewed: Council boss catches workmate with daughter in car Rating: 5 Reviewed By: Staff Reporter
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